Monday, August 16, 2010

Running on empty...

...let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith...
Hebrews 12: 1 - 2

I really don't have it all together like I thought. (I'm certain that I'm the only person surprised by this admission.) I've spent hours planning our school year and so far I've accomplished very little of what I planned to do. Nothing has been working out like I thought...and that is exactly where God wants me to be.

So many things went wrong one day that I literally fell to my knees and prayed, "What do you want from me, Lord?" His answer: everything.

He wants all of me, not just the parts I'm willingly giving. The hymn "I Surrender All" came to my mind and I realized that my version was more like "I surrender most of my life, but I'm still going to keep control of this stuff over here." Needless to say, this isn't where God wants me to be.

He brought me to the end of myself countless times lately and gently asked, are you ready to go deeper? I've taken steps of faith in obedience not knowing the next step. I've laid aside feelings, choosing instead to react the way I know I should - praying that my heart will follow. I let go of my plans for school and dared to dream God's dreams for my children's education this year. That has been a struggle, but God has rewarded my efforts. I wonder why it's taken so long to realize that God's dreams are better than mine.

I realize he is sanding off some rough edges so that I am more "usable." He loves me enough to care about those deep recesses of my heart.

It hasn't been easy. What I know now (perhaps more than ever) is that keeping my eyes on Jesus makes it easier to keep going - even when I am running on empty. He's never tired, never too busy, never out of grace for my feeble efforts. When I am at the end of myself, Jesus can fill me completely because there is nothing to stand in his way.

It's going to be a good year!

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