Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The end of an era?

Little one turned three and we celebrated, reflecting on all the joy and beauty she brought to our family. But a few months later, I began to feel an ache I couldn't quite place. Then, quite suddenly, it became clear what my "problem" was. By God's great design, each of my children are exactly 3 years and 11 months apart. (Weird huh?) That ache, was the realization that there wasn't going to be a new baby this time...

Just recently we put the crib down in the basement and assembled the toddler bed. It certainly wasn't because I wanted little one out of her crib - I figured she'd be out of it by kindergarten anyway. It was that she was getting too heavy to lift into and out of the crib. That, and the fact that I caught her stacking her stuffed animals to try and climb out...As Brian and I took the crib apart, I realized that this would be the last time we'd ever assemble or disassemble the crib and the realization hit me hard. I cried as I finally experienced the finality of it all.

Up to this point, our decision that three children was enough was fine...intellectually. I mean, let's face it, I'm getting a bit "old" to have another baby...at least, that was what I told myself. (Between you and me, I'm really still very young. Trust me.) Then, my pregnancy with little one was rough and even our doctor had mentioned that another pregnancy might not be a good idea...Plus, I kind of enjoy sleeping through the night...

So, why was I reduced to tears in Giant as I bought (what I hoped would be) our last-ever pack of diapers? And why did I sob as the "binky fairy" took a few of little one's binkies the other night? (She's still stubbornly holding on to the rest and I value sleep too much to fight right now.)

I don't mourn little one's growing up -  I'm having a blast with her every day. But there was a part of me that was having trouble celebrating the "lasts" as milestones.

That was the problem. "Last" things are not celebrations, they are occasions for mourning. 

God drew my attention to Isaiah 42: 9 where he says: 
"See, the former things have taken place, 
   and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
   I announce them to you.” (emphasis mine)

My focus was (as is often the case) on the wrong thing. God wants to use this part of my life for "new things," things that I may not have been able to do when my kids were babies.

Without a doubt, God hears the desires of our hearts.

I smile now when I think of how He chose to answer my prayer. In just a few weeks, I will be caring for a precious baby while his mommy works.

I'm always blown away when I think of how lovingly God leads and guides His children. I'm looking forward to this and many more "new things" in my life, and I give God all the glory for His faithfulness.