Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Letting go...

Why is it so easy to say "I trust you God,"...but so difficult to actually do it?

I mean, he created the universe out of nothing - just by speaking. I certainly can't do that. I try to create order out of chaos every day in my home...trust me, it isn't working! So, it should be so easy to trust God...right?

I've been convicted lately that I haven't exactly surrendered one big area of my life to God's loving control. And I've been struggling with my inner control freak to let it go ever since.

It's not our finances - I'm a stay at home mom...that takes a lot of faith.
It's not my marriage. Every time I ask God to fix my husband I am gently reminded that I am the problem.
It's not even homeschool. It is only by God's grace that I am able to teach our children each day.

It's the three precious children that God has given to me. I haven't completely surrendered them to God. Some of them have accepted Christ on their own, but I hadn't really let go. I could quote scripture after scripture about God's wonderful, loving plans for the lives of my kids and I really do believe them. It's putting that trust into action that I struggle with.

I pray for them, I pray with them. I love them. I love God. So why is it so hard for me to let go?

Last night as I drove one of my precious kids to the Emergency Room, I took some time to pray and some time just to listen to God.

I heard God say "let it go..." I wanted to argue and make God understand that I was afraid that letting go would mean losing another child and I just couldn't bear that. As I confessed that, I felt this unbelievable peace flood my soul.

There. I had said it and it was like a wall fell down between God and I. I realized that I was putting letting go into a category of loss. The baby that we lost was part of God's plan. The same plan that I know is good. Letting go doesn't mean I automatically will lose my children.  Now that I am on the other side of that grief I can see the beauty in his plan despite the pain. If you don't believe me, just look into the eyes of my youngest daughter.

Giving up my own control of my kids (and am I really in control anyway?) is entrusting them into God's tender care for now into eternity.

God is a loving God who has good plans to prosper my children, who will never leave or forsake them, who has created good works for them to do. And me... I am human and frail and bound to disappoint despite my great love for them.

I know that the decision to "let go" is one that I will have to make consciously over and over again, but for now I am relieved that I no longer have to carry a burden that I wasn't meant to handle.

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