Yesterday I engaged in an all-out, woe-is-me, pity party for myself. Characterized by a lot of deep sighs and extreme martyrdom. Unfortunately, during the time that I was the hostess and guest of honor at the aforementioned event, I was unable to see it for what it was and I indulged much longer than I should have.
It was an easy slide. Running on too little sleep and not quite enough energy, I was vulnerable to begin with. I could make innumerable excuses, but the truth is, I should have seen it coming.
It all started so subtly too... My hubby reminded me that he was going to be home late from work. Immediately I felt put-upon. And my thoughts went to "poor me." How inconvenient it was to have him gone all day and into the evening when I had barely slept...again. How long has it been since I've had a decent night's sleep anyway? Didn't he realize that one (or more) of the children have been sick the entire month of February. The library books are due...Warning bells should have been going off, but I was too far gone down the self pity slope by that time. When Little One developed a fever around 10:30 that morning, it sent off a whole additional slide downward. Another sick child...?! While I was completely focused on myself and how completely unfair and inconvenient my life was, I lost my joy. I spent the day feeling like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
I'm usually a count-your-blessings sort of person. I like to see the silver lining (or at least believe it's there). But yesterday, all bets were off. Things that normally would have been no big deal were suddenly a major inconvenience.
After the kids were in bed, I finally sat down and tried to take stock of the day. Why was it so hard today, Lord?? He gently answered, because you took me off the throne.
Ouch. It was all too true. As soon as I removed him from the throne of my heart and put myself on the throne, I was no longer able to look up above my circumstances to God (who is my refuge and strength and a present help in times of trouble). While I was on the throne, all I was able to do was look down upon the circumstances and ever-present inconveniences of my life and feel helpless and alone.
Today will be a better day. God is properly in his place in my life and in humble reliance on him I will rise above my circumstances today. Now it's time to make things right and apologize to my kids and my husband for my rotten attitude yesterday...
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